"I don't know what all the threats here are yet." Which is part of why he's diving into the ones that are known, to learn where the boundaries really are.

"I know it isn't entirely rational. But I think about what happened sometimes," all the time. Constantly when he's alone, when he's trying to sleep, when he has nothing to take his mind from it. "And I can't let it go. It gets worse when I try to remember how to just be a civilian."

Because then, instead of just reflexively reaching for a knife, he jolts. He grows suspicious, he finds himself even less able to relax. "If I just let myself be what I learned to be, life is more simple."