hippie_ninja | IC INBOX

You can be with whoever you want, though? Risky or not. Now you know, and I trust you to be careful.

[ Drake claims the coffee cup, shifting to sit at the island properly. His grin is weak, the joke he's about to make a desperate attempt to change the subject so Jesus doesn't dwell on him being weird. ]

After how much I made you worry during the festival this is a drop in the bucket anyway, right?

[Yeah, about that. Jesus doesn't smile. His brow is furrowed, his eyes watchful, a little cautious.]

I'm still worried about you, Drake.

[ Oh. Whoops. Drake's expression sobers again -- he looks almost guilty now. ]

...I'm sorry. It was a stupid decision, I'm not gonna pull anything like that again. Promise.

[He nods slightly, believing that Drake's self-destruction won't take that exact form, but it's not gone. He knows how these things go.

He sits down, takes his own cup.]

Why did you do it?

[ There's probably no dodging this one, but Drake really doesn't want to talk about it. He sighs heavily, tapping the side of his coffee cup. ]

Explaining it won't make it any less stupid.

[ It's a brief stall, while he figures out how to put this. Knowing that if he resists Jesus will just give him the puppy eyes. ]

I was gonna go Crested this year to protect people... but when the forms were in front of me I didn't really feel up for that responsibility anymore. So I thought about Passing, but that seemed pointless and I just-- wanted to feel something else for awhile. Even if that something else was also bad. I wasn't thinking straight enough to realize I was just making myself more of a burden. I'm sorry.

[He knows. He knew some of this even when he asked, but he wants Drake to talk about it and he's just grateful that he is.

At least right up until that last little bit.]

What do you mean 'more of a burden'?

[ What do you mean what does he mean, Jesus?? ]

I know you ran yourself ragged Bodem-sitting. When you wanted to stay I asked to make sure that you weren't just feeling responsible for me, and then I went and made it ten times worse. You didn't sign up for my questionable life choices. That wasn't fair.

Drake, I'm your friend. I want to be with you. You've lost someone; I don't expect you to be okay right now. I don't feel burdened.

Yeah, normally.

[ Drake lifts a hand to scrub at his face, starting to stress out again that he's not explaining this well. ]

I'm grateful you kept an eye on me, really. But I literally put myself in that position and what else would you have done? Said 'sorry buddy this is too far, you're on your own now' and let it play out? I should have thought about the position I was putting everybody else in. Hopefully I didn't fuck things up too badly with K...

Drake, you needed something that you felt you could get by putting yourself at risk. That pain isn't gone.

[He reaches over, rests a hand on Drake's] It doesn't have to be gone for me to want to be with you. I care about you, whether things are normal or whether you're hurting.

But I do worry that you're going to need to express it again in a way that hurts you when it builds up again.

[ It really sucks admitting that Jesus is right. About the pain not being gone for certain, and about him trying to hurt himself again... probably. Drake knows he can be self destructive in certain ways, but he can usually keep mostly steady by leaning into his responsibilities. The people he's supposed to be looking after. The people who need him to be a certain way.

What if part of why he made that stupid choice was that he's been leaning into that too long? Jesus has been far more supportive about all of this than Drake feels like he deserves. Did that make him lose sight of his priorities? Usually he pushes himself too hard, but this time he just... let go. Either extreme is unhealthy.

He's quiet for a long moment, before turning his hand under Jesus' to twine their fingers gently. ]

Maybe. I've told you I'm bad at the whole knowing how much to put on somebody thing. Last time figuring it out got... messy.

[At least Drake is receptive. At least he's accepted Jesus's hand.]

What happened last time?

I went out looking for a fight. Got myself thrown in the cage, which still wouldn't have been a problem except for who I was in there with. They probably matched us on purpose.

[ He shakes his head, not sure Jesus will want the details. ]

Took awhile for Ephemera to patch me up, and longer for me to come to terms with what we did. It was also... a really stupid road to go down.

[He doesn't like thinking of Drake in a cage, Drake being hurt, but it happened and might happen again so he pays attention.]

What happened to put you in that place? That you felt you had to let that happen to you?

[ Jesus doesn't like thinking about it and Drake doesn't like talking about it -- obviously it wasn't one of his finest moments. His eyes cut away as he forces himself to spit it out but he does keep hold of Jesus' hand, thumb stroking over the back of the other man's knuckles. ]

I was frustrated. It felt like nothing I did for anybody except him was good enough, because you can't prove the absence of something. No one trusted me. I didn't have any friends left and all of his were giving me shit... and it seemed wrong to dump that on him. So just like back home I bottled up how isolated and angry I felt, until I was ready to fight somebody even though I knew he could kill me. Didn't go that way, but.

[ He shrugs unhappily. ]

Things are different now.

The situation might be different... but, Drake, your methods still seem the same.

[his response is still to hurt himself.]

Old habits, I guess.

[ He doesn't really know what to do about it, is the problem. If Jesus has any ideas he's all ears, but it isn't on the other man to fix him, either. ]

Was it like this when you were a cop?

[ That finally gets Drake to look back at Jesus, brow slightly furrowed. ]

Which part?

How did you handle your stress then?

[During what had to be some of the most stressful moments a person could have lived through]

[ Oh. Drake grimaces slightly. ]

...there were some 'acceptable' outlets. And I know I held it together better when I was pretending to be somebody else, because you can't really take shit personally when nobody knows you. You can't lose people if you don't have them to start with, 'cuz you can't let anyone in.

Or, you know. I got shot or beat to hell. Something like that.

Was Ephemera the first person you were able to let in after all that happened?

[ Really twisting the knife there, huh Jesus? Drake closes his eyes, trying to ignore the way his chest aches all of a sudden... and nods. ]

[He just pulls Drake to him.]

I would never expect you to not hurt just so I could be around you. I don't expect you to not miss him.

[ Drake wasn't expecting that, but the surprise is momentary and he manages to slide off his stool before it can tip. They're high enough that the fact Jesus is still sitting closes the gap between them a bit -- it's all too easy to hide his face in the curve of Jesus' neck as the smaller man pulls him in.

That gentle understanding is overwhelming, frankly. Drake finally reclaims his hand so that he can wrap both arms around Jesus' waist, focusing on keeping his breathing steady despite that he can feel himself choking up.

Pull your shit together, Drake scolds himself, not even sure what he's so afraid of here. Jesus is proving to be nearly impossible to scare off, and that's starting to feel... dangerous. Is this how Ephemera felt at first, crippled by grief and faced with someone refusing to give up on him no matter how much of a mess he was? You can't put all this on him. And you can't fall for him. The fuck are you gonna do if he leaves? ]

...I know. It's just too much sometimes.

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