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[hippie_ninja]

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[hippie_ninja]

"Whatever happened last month, it was designed that way. None of us could escape," he says softly, both trying to reassure and trying to prompt him to keep talking.

[fireshow]

Admitting this isn't anything he wants to do — he's been avoiding it and dodging it every time someone has tried to get him to talk about it... sometimes even getting angry about it. But he's been sitting on it for a month now. Busied himself with checking in on others, being there for them... things he doesn't normally do or have much emotional bandwidth for.

Dragging his teeth over his bottom lip, he stares to the bed still, conflicted with himself.

"Being killed by something like that... something that people made because they'd rather see me dead than try and live with me or someone like me." Mutants, he means. A shake of his head, he looks off, away from Jesus. "That's fucked up."

[hippie_ninja]

"And seeing it here... It must make it seem like this place really isn't so different from home." He leans gently against him.

[fireshow]

He just barely looks over to Jesus when the other man leans against him and he falls quiet. Contemplative. "I just... no one should have to die like that."

[hippie_ninja]

"No, they shouldn't. Those things should never have been built." The bigots should never have had enough influence to create them.

"I wish this place was better for you."

[fireshow]

Of course they had to make them. Some mutants are easy to spot because of their appearance. But others? Like John? They're more difficult because of how easily they can blend in and seem normal. That's why they needed machines able to detect the x-gene in others.

Turning a little to better look at Jesus then, his eyes feel... heavy. With a lot of things that he's been keeping to himself. Things that he hasn't really let go of just yet.

"I died alone and I woke up alone," he admits. "I shouldn't be here."

[hippie_ninja]

'I woke up alone' makes him wince just a little. Dying alone is bad enough.

"I want you here." He is wanted, if nothing else.

[fireshow]

Huff of laughter just barely there on his lips, he looks up to Jesus, eyes still heavy. "That's sort of sappy."

[hippie_ninja]

"Yeah," he agrees with a little grin, a shrug. "But you haven't heard it much from humans, so."

[fireshow]

"I also don't sleep with many humans, so." Leaning in, he kisses Jesus, letting lips linger there against the other's mouth as he speaks. "Guess you're lucky."

[hippie_ninja]

"Mm-hmm," he smirks, kissing him again. "Does that mean we get to do this again sometime?"

[fireshow]

"I mean, not like you were a bad lay or anything," he huffs a bit of laughter at that, brushing the pad of his thumb down Jesus' chin, over his beard. "So I wouldn't say no to a round two, three, four, five..."

[hippie_ninja]

"Five, huh? You're really counting on but getting tired of sucking my cock," he teases.

[fireshow]

"Tch, please," he appreciates the gentle ways in which this conversation becomes a little more light-hearted. "I gotta be good and not miss quota again, so. Might hear from me every now and then."

[hippie_ninja]

"Yeah, me, too." He sighs. He's not aiming to get sent in for an injection. He'd rather go to the Zoo. "You can hit me up whenever."

[fireshow]

"Yeah, well. Same goes for me with you," for quota, which. Speaking of. "You ever fail it before?"

[hippie_ninja]

"No but I came close. I ended up in the Zoo for fighting a guard anyway. My friend, though... It was hard for him. I think it would be for me, too." He frowns. "I'm okay as long as I get to choose. You know? The injection takes away some of those choices."

[fireshow]

"Yeah, I know," looking down for a moment, he tilts his head. "I missed quota last month. First time in almost two years for me." A shrug, he looks over to Jesus. "Death just doesn't get me all horny and wanting to fuck, you know? But not like they care here."

[hippie_ninja]

"Before I came here I'd barely been with anyone in ten years. It's... Hard. Getting used to being with men again." Fun, too, clearly. He enjoyed what they just did. But it's difficult when he thinks too much about it.

[fireshow]

"Don't think too much about it," he offers. "It's a good way to complicate things... catch feelings and all that. It's just sex here. That's all this place cares about."

[hippie_ninja]

Feelings are the last thing he wants. That much, at least, is easier here: he has plenty of friends and he has sex with some of them but it's not complicated.

"Have you ever? In two years here?"

[fireshow]

"What? Caught feelings?" He figures that's what he's asking and he heaves a sigh, fingers carding through his hair as he looks away for a moment. "Yeah," he starts. "He's not here anymore though." He's still dealing with that, especially when he'd been his first love and all.

Sigh on his lips, he drops his hand out of his hair to the bed. "There's a couple others I care about... love, in my own way, just." He shakes his head, teeth dragging over his bottom lip as he looks ahead. "I'm really fucking difficult to get involved with. Some days I want it and other days I don't. It's why I need some place like this for myself. When I feel like I'm on the verge of being self-destructive. It's not fair to them and sometimes I catch myself getting in that mood, but. Not always."

When you've been treated a certain way for being Different — when your own parents didn't want you and there might have been a bit of abuse involved there, it doesn't help with a lot of the way he is with certain things.

[hippie_ninja]

"Yeah," he nods slightly. "Me, too."

There are people he cares about. But there are very valid reasons he never got involved with anyone after the world fell and it's not just because there weren't options.

"I'm not a good boyfriend. And I'm happier not trying to be one. Some people, like us, are just that way." Abuse and neglect and abandonment started it but he has to wonder if he wasn't just born this way, too.

[fireshow]

This is... probably the first time he's come across someone else who (seemingly) thinks or feels like he does when it comes to all this. He's not sure what to make of that, but. It's something.

"Sometimes I want to be that? Like, say boyfriend and all, but. Other times, I don't. Or I think it's pointless in a place like this especially and it's better to just... I don't know. Care for people but not have it be something?" He laughs a little, shaking his head. "I don't know. I try not to think about it too much because, like I said, it complicates things."

[hippie_ninja]

"I like the idea of it. But once I'm actually in it, I last a year or two and then..." He gestures with a hand at the door; a year or so of trying and then he bolts.

"And especially here, I just don't see how adding that kind of mess could help me. Help anyone I was attached to. Some people make it work, but I've never been one of them. And that's okay."

It's okay, too, that John doesn't want things complicated more than they already are for him.