"Not everything I do has a strategy behind it. Sometimes I just want to be able to trust people. And that means taking a risk." There's a shade of hurt in his voice, the years of isolation he lived through, the bullets that whizzed by his head sometimes when he was wrong, the times he was rejected from families as a child.
It's too dark, probably, to see the way she frowns at that note of pain; it's not enough to make her take back what she said, especially since she doesn't consider it an insult. Jesus does what needs to be done, and that's a strength to her. But she doesn't want him to think, either, that she doesn't think he believes in the rest of what he talks about.
She does. It's part of why she respects him so much, why he's so important to her.
"You've been dealing with a lot," she finally says. "More than most people probably realize. More than you're telling even me, I'd bet. And you're good at it, Jesus, but you're human."
She sighs. "I was at that exhibition show. I don't care what you do or with who, you're a grown man and you can take care of yourself. But I'm worried you're putting yourself into a position to be hurt - a lot - because you're looking for anything at all that helps with all the other shit."
"I don't know what to do with all the other shit." She's not wrong, is what he's saying. He knows it's a risk. He knows he's never been especially good at this part of connecting with people: the part where it's his heart actually on the line instead of held carefully away.
But that's part of why it's easy with Vrenille. Vrenille lets him go when he doesn't want to be still anymore.
But still. Rosita isn't wrong. "All I know how to do is to feel it," all the loss and the bewilderment and the weight of their world, "when it comes on, and then keep moving forward."
Rosita doesn't want to be the only person in Jesus's life; he's not the only one in hers. They both need people. People need people, entire communities of people, a whole new population for the new world.
But she does worry - as she had and still does with Drake - that he has them fooled into thinking he's okay. It's easy, with Jesus. And she worries that they won't take seriously enough the fact that he actually trusts them enough to take this risk.
"I don't want anyone using what you want most to hurt you on top of all of that," she says, simply. Because she loves him, and he deserves better, and she knows from experience that it will change you into a completely different person.
"I don't either." Maybe his earlier thinking was wrong: maybe he's done relationships right all this time by not giving himself over to them.
"It's a game we play. But Rosita, I feel safe with him. With Vrenille. Wearing this lets me put aside a lot of...stress." And that's a dangerous scenario for them. He knows it is. But that was the old world; maybe this one can be different. "It's temporary. All relief is, right? I haven't forgotten that."
He's said it a couple different ways now, but Rosita has heard him filtered through her own doubts, through what it means to her to see her friend wearing this, behaving this way, what she would think in any setting let alone this one.
But she makes a concerted effort to set that aside, does her best to study his face in the darkness.
"You feel safe?" she asks again. "You trust him? That this isn't going further for him than it is for you? Because you're wearing it now, and he's not here. It's just you and me."
"I thought it might help me sleep. To have something to focus on that's so different than anything back home." It had helped him drift off, but the dreams are the same, the quality of rest is the same.
"It's a lot of fun for me. I haven't really had fun in a while. Training people in the Hilltop," he never laughed like he did sparring with his students. "But even that was- work. This feels like something that's more personal."
She listens hard, for that slightly desperate tone she's learned to identify when people are justifying something to themselves. When they need to believe in something more than they think will actually happen.
She watches, for him to look away from her, to fidget or change positions, to try to redirect her another way. She finds none of it.
"I'd like it if I could help you to understand it better." Because he doesn't want her to worry. Even if he's touched that she does; that the way he worries after her goes both ways. "I don't know if I can, but I'd like to try. If you ever have questions, if you ever think I'm in over my head..."
"I won't be shy about making sure you know it," she assures him, because doubts may be enough for her to keep quiet, but being certain someone is doing something stupid, or finds themselves trapped in a corner they can't get out of on they're own? That's different.
She sets that aside too.
"I'm still worried because I've never seen you act this way." It's unsettling for her, in ways she's aware of and ways she's not. There's the obvious problem for them both - how people changing their behavior could be an early sign of being bitten or losing their grip - but it's more than that too. "I want you happy. Never doubt that. This just isn't what I thought it would look like I guess."
"I spent twelve years more or less alone." Romantically, he means. "I thought there might be something with Aaron but it was never serious. We were friends. And he would never have gone for anything like this."
What he means is she never saw this side of him because there was no place for it in their world. There was barely any place for him simply being gay.
"But...this did all happen fast. Faster than I would've thought, too. But this is all there is for me now. If you go home, you go back to the life you were living. All I can do is try to fit in here, try to find a way to be happy here. And it's a radically different place than I had before."
"I know," she says, but quietly, not trying to cut him off. He doesn't need her crap when he's dealing with his own. He can always use her to think out loud but she knows things have to be different here.
It's her own fault that she can't quite believe they are, even if she goes through all the right motions and says all the right words.
"I don't hate that it's happening. It's - the speed. Like you said, twelve years and no one and now -" She makes a vague gesture towards his neck, and even the apartment, signed for by Drake.
He shifts his weight again, draping an arm around her. "Do you remember the first really good meal you had, after you were on the road and felt real hunger for the first time? Do you remember what it was?"
"I traded two bullets to a family for some of their venison. Fresh killed, roasted on a fire. They even had a little pepper to put on it." And then the family had tried to rob him, but that's just how things went back then in the early days, before Jesus really honed his ability to read people.
"That's what this place is like. It's overwhelming. There's just so much of it--good men, interested men. I'll calm down when I get used to it."
"Yeah," she agrees, because she does get that part. She's one of very few survivors that didn't stop seeking out sex after the apocalypse, but she also has the widest net to cast, the most opportunities.
She smirks, audible in her voice: "You know there's a joke about stuffing yourself in here somewhere that I'm not making, just for you."
This innocent expression would look much better in the light, and much more convincing on anyone else.
It melts, though, into a chuckle. "I do," she tells him, and she does mean it, even if she hasn't been completely convinced. She rarely ever is, except with time.
"I just -" She struggles for a moment to put it into words. "I worry more here than I did back home because the stakes are different. You have one of the best hearts I've ever known, and I don't like people taking pot shots at it." She doesn't like the city dangling things in front of him and forcing him to take the bait to survive.
"That's part of what this feels like." Maybe it's not an accurate depiction of how things are. Maybe when things fall apart, it will just be him and Rosita. But it feels as if wearing the collar at least signals he's willing to risk being wrong.
"And I hope it holds out for you." She does. She's not great at hoping but she's better than others, and she does want people to be better than she thinks they are.
But she can't bring herself to go so far as endorsing it. She can't trust it, can't trust this man she doesn't know; she can put some faith in Jesus and his judgment, but that's as far as she can bring herself to go, especially right now with evidence that she's right not to trust this place any more than anyone they've ever met out on the road.
"And you should take the win," she suggests, because she's intended to have a conversation with Vrenille ever since she saw what he was having Jesus do in front of an audience of people, but that doesn't mean she's ready to concede any kind of relationship with him herself.
"Oh I'm taking it," he promises. "And savoring it."
There aren't a lot of wins in their world. There also isn't a lot of warm sentiment which might be why he decides to add, "Thank you. For worrying about me. I'm going to try to make you worry less."
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2022-10-29 11:06 pm (UTC)"What are you worried about? Specifically."
no subject
Date: 2022-10-29 11:17 pm (UTC)She does. It's part of why she respects him so much, why he's so important to her.
"You've been dealing with a lot," she finally says. "More than most people probably realize. More than you're telling even me, I'd bet. And you're good at it, Jesus, but you're human."
She sighs. "I was at that exhibition show. I don't care what you do or with who, you're a grown man and you can take care of yourself. But I'm worried you're putting yourself into a position to be hurt - a lot - because you're looking for anything at all that helps with all the other shit."
no subject
Date: 2022-10-29 11:24 pm (UTC)But that's part of why it's easy with Vrenille. Vrenille lets him go when he doesn't want to be still anymore.
But still. Rosita isn't wrong. "All I know how to do is to feel it," all the loss and the bewilderment and the weight of their world, "when it comes on, and then keep moving forward."
no subject
Date: 2022-10-29 11:31 pm (UTC)But she does worry - as she had and still does with Drake - that he has them fooled into thinking he's okay. It's easy, with Jesus. And she worries that they won't take seriously enough the fact that he actually trusts them enough to take this risk.
"I don't want anyone using what you want most to hurt you on top of all of that," she says, simply. Because she loves him, and he deserves better, and she knows from experience that it will change you into a completely different person.
no subject
Date: 2022-10-29 11:38 pm (UTC)"It's a game we play. But Rosita, I feel safe with him. With Vrenille. Wearing this lets me put aside a lot of...stress." And that's a dangerous scenario for them. He knows it is. But that was the old world; maybe this one can be different. "It's temporary. All relief is, right? I haven't forgotten that."
no subject
Date: 2022-10-30 08:54 pm (UTC)But she makes a concerted effort to set that aside, does her best to study his face in the darkness.
"You feel safe?" she asks again. "You trust him? That this isn't going further for him than it is for you? Because you're wearing it now, and he's not here. It's just you and me."
no subject
Date: 2022-10-30 09:02 pm (UTC)"It's a lot of fun for me. I haven't really had fun in a while. Training people in the Hilltop," he never laughed like he did sparring with his students. "But even that was- work. This feels like something that's more personal."
no subject
Date: 2022-10-30 09:10 pm (UTC)She watches, for him to look away from her, to fidget or change positions, to try to redirect her another way. She finds none of it.
Finally, she nods. "Okay."
no subject
Date: 2022-10-30 09:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-10-30 09:20 pm (UTC)She sets that aside too.
"I'm still worried because I've never seen you act this way." It's unsettling for her, in ways she's aware of and ways she's not. There's the obvious problem for them both - how people changing their behavior could be an early sign of being bitten or losing their grip - but it's more than that too. "I want you happy. Never doubt that. This just isn't what I thought it would look like I guess."
no subject
Date: 2022-10-30 09:27 pm (UTC)What he means is she never saw this side of him because there was no place for it in their world. There was barely any place for him simply being gay.
"But...this did all happen fast. Faster than I would've thought, too. But this is all there is for me now. If you go home, you go back to the life you were living. All I can do is try to fit in here, try to find a way to be happy here. And it's a radically different place than I had before."
no subject
Date: 2022-10-30 09:40 pm (UTC)It's her own fault that she can't quite believe they are, even if she goes through all the right motions and says all the right words.
"I don't hate that it's happening. It's - the speed. Like you said, twelve years and no one and now -" She makes a vague gesture towards his neck, and even the apartment, signed for by Drake.
no subject
Date: 2022-10-30 09:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-10-30 10:03 pm (UTC)She doesn't have to think too hard; it's the sort of thing she tries to remember specifically, separate from the way she remembers everything else.
"Dinty Moore beef stew," she answers. "And we found a deep freeze still running on a generator. Carrots and peas and corn, almost like fresh."
no subject
Date: 2022-10-30 10:06 pm (UTC)"That's what this place is like. It's overwhelming. There's just so much of it--good men, interested men. I'll calm down when I get used to it."
no subject
Date: 2022-10-30 10:10 pm (UTC)She smirks, audible in her voice: "You know there's a joke about stuffing yourself in here somewhere that I'm not making, just for you."
no subject
Date: 2022-10-30 10:16 pm (UTC)"Do you feel any better about it?"
no subject
Date: 2022-10-30 10:24 pm (UTC)It melts, though, into a chuckle. "I do," she tells him, and she does mean it, even if she hasn't been completely convinced. She rarely ever is, except with time.
"I just -" She struggles for a moment to put it into words. "I worry more here than I did back home because the stakes are different. You have one of the best hearts I've ever known, and I don't like people taking pot shots at it." She doesn't like the city dangling things in front of him and forcing him to take the bait to survive.
no subject
Date: 2022-10-30 11:05 pm (UTC)But it does happen sometimes. He's lying here, arm around Rosita, proof that when he does get attached it goes deep.
"It helps knowing I have you at my back."
no subject
Date: 2022-10-30 11:15 pm (UTC)"You deserve to have others there too, though." He wants others there, is one of the major differences between them.
no subject
Date: 2022-10-30 11:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-10-30 11:47 pm (UTC)But she can't bring herself to go so far as endorsing it. She can't trust it, can't trust this man she doesn't know; she can put some faith in Jesus and his judgment, but that's as far as she can bring herself to go, especially right now with evidence that she's right not to trust this place any more than anyone they've ever met out on the road.
no subject
Date: 2022-10-30 11:53 pm (UTC)Or maybe Vrenille isn't broken the same ways they are, maybe that's a prerequisite.
no subject
Date: 2022-10-30 11:57 pm (UTC)"And you should take the win," she suggests, because she's intended to have a conversation with Vrenille ever since she saw what he was having Jesus do in front of an audience of people, but that doesn't mean she's ready to concede any kind of relationship with him herself.
no subject
Date: 2022-10-31 12:09 am (UTC)There aren't a lot of wins in their world. There also isn't a lot of warm sentiment which might be why he decides to add, "Thank you. For worrying about me. I'm going to try to make you worry less."
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