"I used to do it all the time. It pulls you back to center--lets you clear your head, calm your emotions." He loves it, has for years. "Only I can't do it here. I can't settle."
He sits on the floor facing K. It feels too odd to sit on the bed with K down here.
"Oh, some counselor when I was a kid recommended it. It didn't work at first because I was impatient. But I kept coming back to it and after a while it helped. It helps with a lot of things--stress, fatigue, pain."
"Nothing else helped, either," he lifts a shoulder. "And I was too young to get my hands on the things other people used to get away from their emotions. You know, no one in my house drank, so that wasn't a reliable escape. Luckily for me. But I could control my breathing when I was trying to fall asleep. The rest came with time."
"I don't mind questions." He minds being yelled at for stealing memories, stealing humanity, even though he didn't have anything to do with it; even though they aren't real human memories.
Well.
"I just don't want to try to tell you about things I remember through the eyes of a child, of a teenager, if it's going to be upsetting."
"Even if they didn't happen, they still are part of you, though, right? They still effect you." So they're real in that sense, real in a way that some of Jesus's long faded memories aren't. K's memories were given to him for a purpose.
"It's new as standard for the Nexus-9s," he tries to explain, opens his mouth to talk about how messy the Nexus-8s are, then stops when he realizes he's not counted as stable anymore.
The corner of his mouth twitches and he looks down, refocusing.
"Because they don't count on how you'll grow into a life they didn't program?" It's his assessment so far. K talked about replicants becoming dangerous if they feel too much, but he's seen K feel a fair amount in their short time here. He's not dangerous.
"We're not supposed to grow into a life that wasn't programmed," is the company line, one K delivers with perfect steadiness, perfect cadence.
It's only in the follow up that any of the doubt whatsoever starts to show, and even then it's just the slightest of softening somewhere behind his eyes, hidden deep in his voice. "That's always been the problems with the ones that go rogue. That start hurting people. They don't value the lives of the people around them anymore, or aren't capable of thinking about that."
"But you do." He is studying K intently, but with an easy warmth behind it. "I feel safe with you, even though this is... Definitely not the life they planned for you."
K is not self conscious, does not have trouble under scrutiny most of the time, but there's something about the combination of this subject and the way Jesus is looking at him now that makes him uneasy.
"Sometimes the deterioration is gradual. Maybe I just haven't been exposed to an effective enough stressor." He shifts a bit, leaning forward over his lap instead of back.
He has definitive proof that he is way off baseline, way outside the parameters for which he was designed; you don't look like you on the inside. But Jesus is struggling.
K meets that smile not with one of his own, but it's not a harsh or a blank look either. Simply receptive. Taking in what Jesus is telling him and what he's not.
"That I help," he answers, and it is the most basic truth about him.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-29 03:24 am (UTC)If they get to know him a little, they should. They will.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-29 03:43 am (UTC)But what Jesus says has some truth, too.
"Is it like that for you? Harder when all you have to do is think?"
no subject
Date: 2022-07-29 03:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-29 03:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-29 03:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-29 03:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-29 04:02 am (UTC)"Oh, some counselor when I was a kid recommended it. It didn't work at first because I was impatient. But I kept coming back to it and after a while it helped. It helps with a lot of things--stress, fatigue, pain."
All things he faced daily, hourly, back home.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-29 04:06 am (UTC)"If it didn't work, why did you keep coming back?"
no subject
Date: 2022-07-29 04:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-29 04:25 am (UTC)K has always drank, even though he has memories of a time when he didn't.
"Would it be... Strange to you, for me to talk about memories that aren't mine?"
no subject
Date: 2022-07-29 04:30 am (UTC)"I'd like to hear what it's like. What they are. I'm probably going to have questions."
no subject
Date: 2022-07-29 04:35 am (UTC)Well.
"I just don't want to try to tell you about things I remember through the eyes of a child, of a teenager, if it's going to be upsetting."
no subject
Date: 2022-07-29 04:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-29 04:52 am (UTC)"They're installed before activation to help stabilize us, to shape our personalities the way we've been commissioned."
no subject
Date: 2022-07-29 02:46 pm (UTC)Stable replicants don't need a blade runner.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-29 06:25 pm (UTC)The corner of his mouth twitches and he looks down, refocusing.
"There are glitches."
no subject
Date: 2022-07-29 06:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-29 07:33 pm (UTC)It's only in the follow up that any of the doubt whatsoever starts to show, and even then it's just the slightest of softening somewhere behind his eyes, hidden deep in his voice. "That's always been the problems with the ones that go rogue. That start hurting people. They don't value the lives of the people around them anymore, or aren't capable of thinking about that."
no subject
Date: 2022-07-29 08:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-29 09:34 pm (UTC)"Sometimes the deterioration is gradual. Maybe I just haven't been exposed to an effective enough stressor." He shifts a bit, leaning forward over his lap instead of back.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-29 09:39 pm (UTC)In some of the most literal ways that sentence can be taken. "Stress kills us all if we don't learn how to manage it."
no subject
Date: 2022-07-29 09:49 pm (UTC)He has definitive proof that he is way off baseline, way outside the parameters for which he was designed; you don't look like you on the inside. But Jesus is struggling.
"Do you know what's most important to you?"
no subject
Date: 2022-07-29 10:00 pm (UTC)He looks at K with a wan smile, another little shrug. "What about you?"
no subject
Date: 2022-07-29 10:04 pm (UTC)"That I help," he answers, and it is the most basic truth about him.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-29 10:16 pm (UTC)"Why?"
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From: