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[hippie_ninja]

This is Jesus. Leave a message.

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[braveoff]

[ Jesus doesn't like thinking about it and Drake doesn't like talking about it -- obviously it wasn't one of his finest moments. His eyes cut away as he forces himself to spit it out but he does keep hold of Jesus' hand, thumb stroking over the back of the other man's knuckles. ]

I was frustrated. It felt like nothing I did for anybody except him was good enough, because you can't prove the absence of something. No one trusted me. I didn't have any friends left and all of his were giving me shit... and it seemed wrong to dump that on him. So just like back home I bottled up how isolated and angry I felt, until I was ready to fight somebody even though I knew he could kill me. Didn't go that way, but.

[ He shrugs unhappily. ]

Things are different now.

[hippie_ninja]

The situation might be different... but, Drake, your methods still seem the same.

[his response is still to hurt himself.]

[braveoff]

Old habits, I guess.

[ He doesn't really know what to do about it, is the problem. If Jesus has any ideas he's all ears, but it isn't on the other man to fix him, either. ]

[hippie_ninja]

Was it like this when you were a cop?

[braveoff]

[ That finally gets Drake to look back at Jesus, brow slightly furrowed. ]

Which part?

[hippie_ninja]

How did you handle your stress then?

[During what had to be some of the most stressful moments a person could have lived through]

[braveoff]

[ Oh. Drake grimaces slightly. ]

...there were some 'acceptable' outlets. And I know I held it together better when I was pretending to be somebody else, because you can't really take shit personally when nobody knows you. You can't lose people if you don't have them to start with, 'cuz you can't let anyone in.

Or, you know. I got shot or beat to hell. Something like that.

[hippie_ninja]

Was Ephemera the first person you were able to let in after all that happened?

[braveoff]

[ Really twisting the knife there, huh Jesus? Drake closes his eyes, trying to ignore the way his chest aches all of a sudden... and nods. ]

[hippie_ninja]

[He just pulls Drake to him.]

I would never expect you to not hurt just so I could be around you. I don't expect you to not miss him.

[braveoff]

[ Drake wasn't expecting that, but the surprise is momentary and he manages to slide off his stool before it can tip. They're high enough that the fact Jesus is still sitting closes the gap between them a bit -- it's all too easy to hide his face in the curve of Jesus' neck as the smaller man pulls him in.

That gentle understanding is overwhelming, frankly. Drake finally reclaims his hand so that he can wrap both arms around Jesus' waist, focusing on keeping his breathing steady despite that he can feel himself choking up.

Pull your shit together, Drake scolds himself, not even sure what he's so afraid of here. Jesus is proving to be nearly impossible to scare off, and that's starting to feel... dangerous. Is this how Ephemera felt at first, crippled by grief and faced with someone refusing to give up on him no matter how much of a mess he was? You can't put all this on him. And you can't fall for him. The fuck are you gonna do if he leaves? ]

...I know. It's just too much sometimes.

[hippie_ninja]

It's okay.

[For it to be too much. He just holds him, tucking his chin over Drake's head to hold him still closer, just hurting for him.]

It can be too much right now.

[braveoff]

[ It's not okay, though. As much as he appreciates that Jesus is so accepting of him being a mess... he'd really rather not be in the first place. The irony here isn't lost on Drake either. With how many people he's guided through their grief, you'd think he'd be better with his own than this. Than spiraling into self destruction and wishing he could just skip to acceptance already. He knows he can't, even if it wouldn't be disrespectful. But this sucks. He's never grieved anyone else before -- only himself, which was very different from this.

At least he doesn't cry this time. Just leans against Jesus quietly, tiredly, accepting the comfort. ]

Would you stay awhile?

[hippie_ninja]

I'm staying as long as you want me around.

[He's off for the next couple of days, so it really is an open offer. And with how worried he is about Drake, it's a relief to have it asked of him even though he would have gently tried to insist otherwise.]

[braveoff]

[ That's another dangerous statement, whether Jesus realizes it or not. Drake is quiet for a moment, not pulling away yet but his grip does loosen. ]

...you don't mean that.

[hippie_ninja]

[He's not sure what he said wrong but he'll amend it, soften it.]

Then I want to stay for a long time.

[braveoff]

[ Does he? How long is a long time? Because Drake's pretty damn sure even now he won't be the one to tell Jesus to leave, but being this needy would drive anyone away. Wouldn't it?

For the time being he's just going to accept the statement because he's too tired to keep worrying. His fingers curl back into Jesus' shirt. ]

You know, I thought if this worked and you guys wound up clicking I might finally buy some property. Nothing fancy, and you wouldn't have to move in, but it'd be there.

[ Now Drake doesn't see himself ever leaving this apartment. Not without Ephemera around to paint the walls of someplace new. Maybe that'll change, maybe it won't. He can't think about the future further than a day or two, at this point. ]

[hippie_ninja]

[Who can say how Drake will feel as time goes on? For now, Jesus understands him being reluctant to leave.]

I'm buying some land with Rosita. Well, helping how I can without getting into trouble. We're going to grow vegetables, try to become more self-sufficient.

You're welcome there whenever you want.

[braveoff]

[ That sounds nice for them, Drake thinks to himself. But he's not welcome. Even if Rosita liked him, he couldn't stay there. He shakes his head against Jesus' shoulder. ]

I'm not. That's illegal, babe. We'd both get cited if I ever got caught staying over... it's okay.

[hippie_ninja]

I'm afraid of getting you in trouble.

[But he is going to, sooner or later. He's being very careful not to get caught, but no one wins every time.]

[braveoff]

Don't be. I might not know everything you're up to, but I doubt I'd disagree with any of it. You think something's worth doing, we'll deal with the consequences if you get caught. Okay?

[ It's not like Drake's been a model citizen either. He has a very high bar for what's worth the risk to his partners, but the line does exist. And as careful as he also is for their sake -- or just Jesus' sake now -- he might get caught someday too. They both knew what they were getting into, signing with each other. ]

...thanks, though. It's nice knowing that if it was up to you I'd be welcome there.

[hippie_ninja]

If this place goes to hell, I want you there.

[It's a dangerous thing to say, maybe. He doesn't really want people to know how often he thinks about this place falling like his world did. He doesn't really want people knowing how convinced he is that it will, and how he feels best when he's preparing for that.]

Okay? I don't care what the laws say, I still want you around.

[braveoff]

[ Wait, what? That finally gets Drake to lift his head and look at Jesus again, not sure what he's getting at but knowing it's important. And whatever disaster it is the other man is preparing for, Drake knows what it means to be on somebody's list. Only so many people can fit in the bunker, so to speak. ]

If this place goes to hell, I'm pretty sure citations will be the last of our worries. You're sure?

[hippie_ninja]

Am I sure I want you safe, and with me?

[He tips his head back to look down at Drake]

You know I care about you, don't you?

[braveoff]

Of course I do.

[ It's an immediate answer, because that shouldn't even be a question. Jesus is putting up with an awful lot lately, supporting him. Too much, maybe, but that isn't Drake's call to make. And you don't do this sort of thing for someone you don't care about.

Saying 'I want you with me if the apocalypse hits' is just... different. ]

The kind of place you're talking about can only support so many people, that's all.