He can observe. He can report back. He's always been good at both of these things, especially from the outside of the population surrounding him.
Which just leaves the rest of it, the subject he suspects Jesus would rather just move past now that K knows - which is its own question, but he leaves it for now.
"I think so." A muscle in his cheek tightens and he looks away, looks down, looks at K again. "I don't know what else to do. I can't adapt to a place I don't understand."
A place where there is food and shelter, safe affection, drugs if he wants them, friendly faces if he doesn't. A place where he'll never have to put a knife through a friend's skull.
He looks at K, silently pleading with him to understand.
"So do you want to understand how the city works?" K asks him, not exactly startled to realize he cares so much about that pleading look, but wondering how wise it is. How sustainable.
"Or are you searching out the parts you think you'll feel most comfortable in?"
There are things he could say to that. Things he wants to say to that.
In the end, it's not his call to make though. Jesus doesn't owe him anything. Not answers, not an explanation, not any kind of justification or permission.
"It's temporary," he says again, but knows that's not the real reason for concern. "And I might end up with a Dominant I won't care about getting into trouble. One less way they can try to control me."
None of these words actually make him worry less. He supposes that technically he falls under the label of rebel now but that doesn't change that he's seen what happens to people who push too hard against dictatorships.
One less way to control him but: "And one more person invested in controlling you however they possibly can, with the support of everyone and everything around them."
"Yes." He can, or he would be saying something very different. He pauses, glancing around to be sure of who's there - and who isn't - before he nods them over towards a bench.
"You won't kill anyone, but what else? Quota will do it but not quickly, not predictably."
"Stealing things should do it. I can grab wallets off the street, get caught breaking into a home." Low level offenses that will still piss off the locals.
K nods along. It's not the worst plan he's ever heard of, and it's not without merit.
He still doesn't like it, still doesn't like that he wonders if it's not a way to rationalize self destruction, at least the earliest stages. He looks at the edge of the towel caught between his fingers and lets Jesus talk.
"I used to be a cop. Someone I know thinks I could be again," he points out. But more importantly his point is: "My options become be okay with what you're doing, or don't talk to you or be around you."
He doesn't like those options. He doesn't like that he's put K in this position. But it still has to be done and he still thinks he's the best person for it.
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Date: 2022-07-23 05:10 am (UTC)He can observe. He can report back. He's always been good at both of these things, especially from the outside of the population surrounding him.
Which just leaves the rest of it, the subject he suspects Jesus would rather just move past now that K knows - which is its own question, but he leaves it for now.
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Date: 2022-07-23 05:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-23 05:18 am (UTC)"What don't you understand?" he asks, well aware that Jesus may not even be able to tell him, fervently hoping he can.
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Date: 2022-07-23 05:24 am (UTC)A place where there is food and shelter, safe affection, drugs if he wants them, friendly faces if he doesn't. A place where he'll never have to put a knife through a friend's skull.
He looks at K, silently pleading with him to understand.
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Date: 2022-07-23 05:27 am (UTC)"Or are you searching out the parts you think you'll feel most comfortable in?"
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Date: 2022-07-23 05:32 am (UTC)"If this is my afterlife, I should try to find a place I'm comfortable."
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Date: 2022-07-23 05:36 am (UTC)In the end, it's not his call to make though. Jesus doesn't owe him anything. Not answers, not an explanation, not any kind of justification or permission.
All the same: "I'm worried. I'm going to worry."
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Date: 2022-07-23 03:26 pm (UTC)"It's temporary," he says again, but knows that's not the real reason for concern. "And I might end up with a Dominant I won't care about getting into trouble. One less way they can try to control me."
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Date: 2022-07-23 03:43 pm (UTC)One less way to control him but: "And one more person invested in controlling you however they possibly can, with the support of everyone and everything around them."
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Date: 2022-07-23 03:49 pm (UTC)"You can see the benefits too, though, can't you?"
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Date: 2022-07-23 03:58 pm (UTC)"You won't kill anyone, but what else? Quota will do it but not quickly, not predictably."
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Date: 2022-07-23 04:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-23 04:12 pm (UTC)He still doesn't like it, still doesn't like that he wonders if it's not a way to rationalize self destruction, at least the earliest stages. He looks at the edge of the towel caught between his fingers and lets Jesus talk.
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Date: 2022-07-23 04:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-23 04:17 pm (UTC)But then, he's something that can theoretically be reprogrammed on a whim. That maybe has and he'd never know it.
"Why tell me?"
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Date: 2022-07-23 04:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-23 04:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-23 04:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-23 04:27 pm (UTC)But. But - "I don't think I want to be the sort of person who gives friends up because something might be hard."
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Date: 2022-07-23 06:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-23 06:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-23 08:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-23 08:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-23 10:25 pm (UTC)"Can I make it up to you?"
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Date: 2022-07-23 10:38 pm (UTC)"And maybe you'll need to adjust."
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